As the reader, check out the energy within your own body and compare how you feel with each of the examples below:

When you have something that I like, and I also want to have that characteristic or achievement, I would regard this [...]]]> In the world of psychotherapy we distinguish between ‘envy’ and ‘jealousy’.

As the reader, check out the energy within your own body and compare how you feel with each of the examples below:

When you have something that I like, and I also want to have that characteristic or achievement, I would regard this as envy, and think it is perfectly acceptable to say something like:

• “Wow! How fantastic that you got your diploma! I am envious; I would like to accomplish that too!” Or
• “I envy your shoes; they look so pretty and comfortable. Can you tell me where you bought them so I can also have a pair?”

This kind of thinking and relating can bring us closer to one another.

In contrast, jealousy sets walls between us, it separates us. For example:

• “Look how thin that woman has gotten. I do not want to starve like she did. She is crazy!” Or
• “I am so jealous! I wish it would have me who won that vacation…”

When we feel envious about something or someone, we automatically convert that something or someone into our mentors: they become role models for us.

If we want to attain similar goals to what they attained or live in a similar way to the way they live, we feel enticed to work hard to attain those goals. This dream may facilitate our personal growth and we may become better people.

In the process, we may find ways to change patterns of behaviour that do not serve us anymore. We may develop new ones that best work for us. Thus envy may catalyze our sense of achievement: “I too can do this, I too can get there!”

If we think and feel this way, we may co-create groups, we collaborate, we foster a sense of community and belonging.

During my studies of Bioenergetic Therapy and my therapeutic experience (Lowen, 1975), I have observed that jealousy on the other hand is a negative, dark energy. It is derived from a deep sense of inadequacy. We see our neighbour, look at our colleagues, acquaintances, family members, and we compare ourselves to them in a detrimental way. We think that they are better or have something better than we have.

This sets us up into the ‘victim’ role that says: “I am not as good as s/he, I cannot do that.” We are overcome by a sense of shame. We consequently do not want to feel the pain that shame triggers in us and therefore would rather them not exist anywhere near us. We can even think evil like thoughts and wish that some misfortune would befall them. If this happens, we do not have to witness what we perceive as being their having success or being successful.

When we feel jealous our bodies contract: we tend to frown and make fists with our hands; our blood circulation decreases all over our tissues including our brain; and the limbic system’s efficiency lessens, therefore our cleansing diminishes and the level of toxins increase. Little by little we auto-destroy ourselves.

In doing this, we also destroy our relationships, we marginalise people and scapegoat them, we form cliques, cults, and politicise. We separate. In order to suppress our negative feelings and thoughts we tend to paint ‘the other’ in a very dark shade, and we assign them the ‘villain’ role. Once ‘the other’ is regarded as a villain, we have permission to make fun of them, to bully, attack and even to kill (either in terms of their life chances or even in its literal sense). We therefore create a vicious cycle, and sadly we all end up losing. We all end up feeling like aliens and lonely. A part of us is missing. We are incomplete.

Next time we criticize someone or something, let us check with ourselves if it is envy or jealousy.

If it is envy, we have the opportunity to consider strategizing about how we too can accomplish something similar to what we admire, or to consider how we can accept our own reality and also be able celebrate that of our fellow human being.

If it is jealousy, CHOOSE to RESPECT and consider how it would be simply to be envious.

I want to leave you with a simple yet deep poem. This ancient Tibetan Buddhist blessing that has served me as an inspiration at various times in my life and especially when I am feeling ‘less than’:

“May I filled with loving kindness
May I be well
May I be peaceful and at ease
May I be happy”

Lowen, Alexander, M.D., (1975). “Bioenergetics” The revolutionary therapy that uses the body to heal the problems of the mind. Coward, McCann & Geoghegan, Inc. USA.

As I listened to her, I felt deeply [...]]]> Maria, an intelligent, mature, respectable, well dressed and attractive woman, sat in front of me. With a gesture attempting to portray courage, she looked at me in the eye and declared: “I have no women friends, I have never had them and I don’t need them.”

As I listened to her, I felt deeply sad and somewhat confused. More than anything, I was engulfed by an almost uncontrollable curiosity. Like autumn leaves that are blown by the wind in all directions, so were my questions revolving around my mind.

What does friendship mean to Maria? How was Maria able to live without girlfriends and arrive to this stage in her life without having established any friendships with other women? I wondered how she was raised or what happened that prevented her from having weaved a friendship with people from her own sisterhood… Furthermore, how had the fact that she had not practiced BEING a friend to another woman impacted on her?

Over the last ten years of my practice, I have gotten to know women who have belonged to Latin families. Within their family structure they tend to automatically relate to mother, sister, sister-in-law, female cousin, godmother and mother-in-law in an intimate way, as part of their family clan. It seems as if they do not have to reach further in order to satisfy that need that we humans have of emotional nurturance, sharing and mutual support. These dynamics are wonderful as long as they function in a healthy way because they give us a point of reference, a secure base with which we can identify – a sense of belonging.

However, I feel that if we limit ourselves to family relationships only, we can be like a bird only using one of its wings, not risking to use two wings for flight and thus unable to fly freely or over long distances. This bird has not experienced how wonderfully exciting it can be to risk flying to its fullest potential.

If we, as women, have not experienced making friendships with other women, we are preventing ourselves from creating new social and community networks. We have not tasted the communal elixir that would nourish many facets of our being. Establishing a friendship, just like with any other human relationship is a risk and it can be a very gratifying challenge. It is also true that we sometimes make mistakes and we can end up getting hurt just like the birds when they are learning how to fly. When we open up and extend ourselves in order to know someone different it implies giving of ourselves without expectations. It opens up the possibility of mutual enjoyment and sharing with other women. Unfortunately fear, envy, lack of practicing, inner security, judgement and disapproval can prevent us from initiating the flight.

We can look at this challenge from various points of view. Here are some examples:

• Fear: “She can snatch my boyfriend or husband away from me. I want to keep my distance from that woman.”
• Envy: “She got a better mark than me at school – I won’t talk to her.”
  Lack of Practice: “I’ve never had friends. I dislike change. I’m fine on my own.”
• Inner Insecurity: “She’s better looking and richer than me: she will never want to be my friend”
• Judgement: “She’s such a bad mother. I don’t want to associate with her.”
• Disapproval: “She is such a gossiper. I stay away from her.”

Alternatively, we can look at this as:

• “I don’t know this woman. She might be a nice person. It will be interesting to get to know her. I might really like her”

Some of us have grown up believing in the fantasy that we will get married and when we are married to our ‘Mr. Right’ he will ALL of our needs – material, emotional and sexual. Therefore we do not need girlfriends. After all, have we not dreamed about being the ‘good wife’ looking after our ‘shining knight’ and they, in turn will be everything for us? How disappointed we will be if after a couple of years we realize that we are missing something else: “What a ‘let down’. I was not expecting to feel this way…!”

If we are in our own environment, we may learn to manage this void somehow amongst our family, job, children, etc. However, what happens with us Latin immigrants, when we arrive in Canada on our own or with only our nuclear family? Many questions may be flying around in our heads.

• What internal resources do we have?
• What past experiences can we draw from in order to establish relationships with other women?
• How do we bring ourselves to reach for what we need, or to offer help to someone else as a friend?
• How would it be if we enjoyed each other’s company?
• Who would we exchange new ideas with upon arriving in a new country?
• What can we do in order to help each other integrate into this new land while being both strong and flexible at the same time?
• What happens when we believe we can solve everything within our nuclear family and we keep ourselves to ourselves?

Sometimes issues remain unresolved for the fear of embarrassing ourselves. Sometimes we collapse, or even worse: we use our sons as a surrogate ‘man of the house’ and our daughters as ‘executive secretaries and confidents’, drawing on their better command of English. In doing this we alienate our husbands. In most of these cases, the family is guaranteed to malfunction! It is then when the bird within us has to exercise her second wing. I believe us women have been organically designed to forge friendships amongst ourselves. The intensity with which we need external friendships depends upon our individual personalities and circumstances. Sometimes we are required to undergo a traumatic experience in order to realize that we need friendships.

Of course, like in everything, there has to be a balance. Relying too much on external friendships can also have a negative impact upon the family (Stay tuned to the next article discussing the impact on couples when there are no external friendships to provide support).

I invite you to reflect upon the last time you met a woman who impressed you in some way. Maybe she seemed intelligent, interesting, humble, kind, someone whom you felt so comfortable with that it felt you had known each other for years… In the spirit of the new year, I want to suggest to you that the next time this happens to you , you pause and enjoy the moment. Pay attention to how you feel and the messages you ae getting from your brain, for example:

“That only happened then; there will never be another occasion like that; it is not worth calling her” OR “She may think that I want something from her and she will not be interested in my friendship, I have nothing to offer her, I feel embarrassed”. On the other hand, you may think: “Wow, I had such a great time with her! That woman seemed so nice and I would love to get together with her again”.

Do something different this year: do not stop at your intentions but ACT upon them!

Create the opportunity to get together with her, either by having a chat over the phone, going out for a walk, to have a cup of coffee, cook together with the family, etc.

Let yourself be guided by your intuition, NOT by your fears. Stay open to the possibilities, check how you feel about each situation. Which of the attitudes cited above can lead us to a meaningful an fuller life? Which of the scenarios indicate to us that life in a new place has more possibilities of being enjoyed, of learning from others and sharing our own skills?

By the time we arrive in Canada, we have all gone through a journey and have collected a bunch of experiences. Which of the attitudes will enrich us, our families, the planet and has more chances of bringing about world peace?

I use the opportunity to wish all of you, web-browsers a year filled with trust, good health, understanding and self-fulfillment!

With gratitude,

Adela

Leaving space for the day to unfold itself… we all have to make decisions at all hours of the day, and sometimes even through our dreams during the night …. imagine that our lives could [...]]]> Can you imagine waking up one morning and, just for a moment, feeling you do not have any responsibilities?

Leaving space for the day to unfold itself… we all have to make decisions at all hours of the day, and sometimes even through our dreams during the night …. imagine that our lives could be carried out with an attitude free of negative thoughts especially about ourselves … … …

The harsh winter has arrived. Now the family needs more clothing. We need more time to get ready and go to work, study or whatever we have to do outside the home.

How many times we have turned around the house looking for winter boots that we do not remember where we kept last year? Where did we store the gloves, the hat that our three year old child took last year?  Does it still fit?  He has to take it to school today, yikes! “Where is …. we listen to ourselves to ask, Where is …? “Hurry up!  It is getting late, you will miss the bus!  we yell at our teeneager to do up the jacket of he/she may get sick!!!

For those fortunate enough to have a home, preparing to leave is not so simple! Now that we are warm, if we leave in the car, we have to clean the snow! Well, here we go, shovelling away and in a few minutes, the sweat pours out and we want to remove all clothing that took us so much time in finding only a few minutes ago. What a contradiction!

By the time we get to this point, we may have already had an argument with our partner or our children …. Maybe because we are so anxious to reach our destination, we create dark tales in our mind: “I’m going to be late and my boss will be mad, maybe I will be fired. ..” “If it were not for my wife being so late.. dammit! Or maybe she thinks: “if he would help more with the preparation of the meals for the children, we would have made it to their school on time … now our child will fail his grade and is all due to his father’s fault!”

By the time we are finally on our way, we are not talking to each other.  We are so exhausted and agitated that we wish we could just go back to bed and forget everything! This is the time when, no matter where we are, it would be good to go back to that moment in the morning when we feel the space and luxury of not having any responsibility and say to ourselves:

PAUSE…………………………. BREATHE … … … … … … … … … … .. REFLECT

Can you imagine waking up one day and feel calm, happy, happy with your life? That miracle must have happened during the night for you to feel so good. That day you look in the mirror and see a person full of energy and motivation to start the day with joy and enthusiasm! At night your loved ones look at you and see a kind, smiling, compassionate person.. surprise them with a word of encouragement, a soft caress ….

Can you imagine the impact that your positive behavior is around you and in your own body and being? Can you hear your inner voice and believe that these positive messages about yourself are true and real? You are a good person, honest and hardworking. A person whom G-d or the creative forces decided it is worth investing in you.

Live your life as an ordinary person in a common world.  For example, in London it snows. We all have to maneuver in the snow, whether you have a car or take the bus or walk …. It is not what we have, but how we use it!

Can you imagine the day when you feel powerful  and not victim-like? I invite you to reflect – how can I change, or manage the parts of my life that are not working for me in a different way so that I feel inner peace? – What is the dynamic that has operated for many years and now it does not work more …. when is it time to say: “Well,  I am not going along this street anymore, I must find another route I choose to find a different way….”

I invite you to take a big breath and count your blessings, not count on them.

As you well know, our emotions are stored not only in our minds but in our bodies. Or as Milton put it:

What keeps the [...]]]> In addition to my experience as a Trager Practitioner, I have also been working as a psychotherapist and counsellor at a social service agency in London Ontario since 2000.

As you well know, our emotions are stored not only in our minds but in our bodies. Or as Milton put it:

What keeps the body restricted is not a true physical block, but a mental pattern block. It is the MIND that unconsciously directs the function of the body.

There have been many a time when, during a psychotherapy or counsellor session, I have invited the client to do certain movements and/or breathing in order for them to relax, feel their body, ground and eventually gain a different perspective of the situation they perceived as conflictive.

I cannot tell you the amount of times I have witnessed in awe the transformation that a little Mentastics^® can do in a counselling session: it is like magic! The face opens up; shoulders drop; the pelvis lets go of the holding, letting the knees come apart naturally; the gait is more grounded, the person begins to breath in a fuller way; and most of all, they begin to experience glimpses of trust, joy and pleasure. Yes!!! The lighter part of the world appears, perhaps for the first time in their life – in front of their eyes – and in their heart!

I asked myself:

How about creating a formal Mentastics class here at the agency, so several people can benefit for the cost of one?

I presented the idea to my clinical supervisor and, after a couple of years; I got her approval to go ahead! (You know how things go in many bureaucracies – anything new tends to need the approval from a series of committees so it takes t-i-m-e.)

Extra, extra! The agency has acknowledged that the mind and the body are connected and that if we let one relax, the other one may also release!

I felt so excited and hopeful! The intake/registration process began almost at once. We currently have 7 members who come regularly to class on Tuesday afternoons. They are all native Spanish speakers, so I am delivering the class in Spanish. Somehow, doing it in Spanish adds an extra flavour to the class.

The students truly anticipate coming to class. It is almost as if they cannot wait for me to open the door to the room where we hold the class; and when they leave, they have the Trager look and cannot stop hugging and thanking me (yum!).

As a Mentastics Teacher, I can tell that they are learning to connect their minds, with their bodies, and that they have tasted what it is like to be in “hook-up” and, most of all, they have had fun, enjoyment, pleasure in both themselves and in each other.

Adela about to start some Mentastics (Photographer: Janet Long)

Thank you, Family Service Thames Valley for allowing me to share this beautiful approach with people who have suffered from trauma; and thank you Milton and the Trager Community for developing and bringing it forward for us to use!

May we all continue to be present in our process of eternal re-creation.